Dr. Diatribe
"Administering the enema of TRUTH to a constipated world!"
Protesters Swarm Manhattan, Make Eating Difficult
(We post here the first of a weeklong spate of dispatches by the good Doctor from New York City, host of the Republican Convention)After circling JFK for several hours in the Diatribe AutoGyro, and then that cab ride, I really had my heart set on a nice knish -- you know, the kind you can only get in New York. That's half the reason I came to this convention in the first place! The Democrats had lousy food.
So after a cold shower in my palatial suite I step outside the Hotel Knickerbocker anticipating a nice, relaxing walk to Wally's Knish Emporium, when along comes Michael Moore and Danny Glover followed by an angry heaving morass of variegated humanity! They marched at a stately pace, pausing only occasionally to administer oxygen to the wheezing Moore or smash
Tom Paladino's bullhorn.
Struggling through the current, I was accosted by a woman named Blossom, waving a Palestinian flag and bearing a more than passing resemblance to Yasser Arafat.
"What are you protesting?" she yelled at me, between anti-Bush chants.
"Hunger," I yelled back.
Finally, 900 symbolic coffins were hauled by, and I was able to cross the street by jumping from box to box. From which I learned that occasionally, vaporific symbolism can have substance after all.
Production Note
As he did with the epic-making
Democrat Convention in July, Societal Proctologist extraordinaire Dr. Darius J. Diatribe will be sending dispatches all next week from the
Republican gathering in New York. City. Don't miss out on yet another chance to stare in gaping astonishment up the nation's political wazoo.
UPDATE: Bush Distances Himself From Ketchup
President Bush said Monday that he still believes John Kerry's rich wife's family produces their ketchup honorably, and that he disapproves of ads impugning the character of the Heinz family condiment. But he also called on Kerry to condemn soft money ads funded by plutocrat George Soros alleging a connection between the President and Bush's Baked Beans.
"I have no connection whatsoever to these delicious baked beans," Mr. Bush declared, "though I do enjoy them very much... especially with a thick, genuine Texas T-Bone steak while me and my Secret Service detail are sitting 'round the campfire at night on my ranch singing cowboy songs. Yeah. That's when they taste the best -- like ambrosia, you know? Ambrosia, Texas-style!
"Anyway," the President continued, shaking himself out of his dreamy reverie, "I call on Senator Kerry to join with me in demanding an end to all these scurrilous soft money food ads!"
Democratic Vice-Presidential candidate John Edwards, who Saturday called upon Bush to do just that, responded Monday by declaring, "Too late, sucker!"
Longtime acquaintances of Edwards told reporters this was a phrase he often used in court while bleeding insurance companies dry.
Meanwhile, Senator Kerry was reportedly planning to send two Boston Green Grocers to the President's Crawford, Texas ranch to arrange a distracting photo op. Bush was reportedly huddling with his advisors, debating whether to invite them in for a nice plate of steak and beans.
Republicans Unveil Ketchup, Kerry Aghast
Kerry Campaign officials were taken off guard today by the announcement that Republicans will begin producing
ketchup. Designed to undercut the vast Heinz Ketchup fortune Man-Of-The-People presidential candidate John Kerry married into, the move provoked a sharp response.
At an impromptu news confrence during a stop in Condiment, Kentucky, Senator Kerry lashed out at the Bush Campaign: "This Republican ketchup is far outside the mainstream of american ketchup, and represents the worst kind of negative campaigning," he droned emphatically. "I call upon President Bush to disavow this scurilous and despicable attack!"
Officials with the Bush Campaign said the President believes Heinz Ketchup has always been produced honorably, but declined to specifically disown the GOP food topping.
Violent New Peanuts Special Premiers Sunday
This weekend CBS debuts a new Charlie Brown special produced by a new crop of fresh, edgy Gen X animators. When tragedy strikes because the shouted, frantic warnings of adults all sound like squawking trumpets, the Peanuts gang learns a painful lesson in "It's a Semi-Tractor Trailer Rig, Charlie Brown!!!!"
With special guest star, Moby as PigPen!
Bush Shifts Tax-Burden From Halliburton Overlords, Dances on Graves of Poor
A Democrat-commissioned Congressional Budget Office study released this week concludes that President Bush spends most of his time rubbing his hands together and cackling maniacally as he gleefully grinds the nation's poor beneath his cowboy boot heel, the
Los Angeles Post-Regurgitator reported.
Sporting a monocle and dressing entirely in black, the evil President was said to be consumed with making sure his wealthy Halliburton masters receive massive subsidies and rebates while the poor are forced to pay 99% of the taxes, the paper said.
Paradoxically for Bush (and strangely at odds with press reports), the actual CBO report states that his
Economic Growth and Tax Relief Reconciliation Act of 2001 actually "lowered individual income taxes for all taxpayers."
When this was pointed out to them
Post-Regurgitator reporters first tried to pummel the informant. When that didn't work, they suddenly remembered that an anonymous source told them the malevolent President foamed at the mouth when he found he had inadvertently helped lower and middle class americans.
"I thought I told you just to cut Ken Lay's taxes!!" he was said to have bellowed at his quivering staff.
Bush suffered a futher attack of apoplexy, they went on, when he learned the CBO report showed middle class taxes had been reduced entirely against his will from 5.2 percent to 3.5 percent of their income, and that the wealthiest 25% of the country now pay 84% of the taxes.
The
Post-Regurgitator reports that Bush now relieves his intense frustration by regularly shooting an ever-increasing stream of peasants, willingly supplied by demonic Vice-President Dick Cheney.
Bush Accused of Causing Destructive Hurricanes
Florida prepared for the worst today as Bonnie and Charley -- the first twin hurricane threat to strike the state since 1906 -- bore down on the panic-stricken penninsula.
Meanwhile, democratic presidential candidate John Kerry charged that the powerful storms were actually part of a plot by President Bush to win Florida's precious, precious electoral votes this Fall.
"I find it sad that the current evil President, with the help of his malevolent cohorts at Halliburton, is using the forces of nature to get votes this November," Senator Kerry declared during a stop over in Prairie Oyster, Wyoming. "Once these Halliburton-generated storms have battered the hapless people of Florida into insensibility, Mr. Bush will ride to the rescue like a white knight, using his Presidential powers to insinuate himself into the hearts of the ignorant disaster victims. How very convenient that his brother Jeb just happens to be Governor -- a little
too convenient if you ask me!"
"When I am President," the candidate assured his audience, "I will make sure that hurricanes and other natural disasters are a thing of the past!"
Bush campaign officials later pointed out that Kerry had voted for hurricanes several times during his career in the Senate.
Kerry: The "Different" Candidate
Further demonstrating his uncompromising moral fiber, Senator Kerry said today that he's actually a lot like President Bush -- only different.
Dean Blames Evil Bush for Kerry Woes
Confused and broken-hearted that the american people did not take cuddly presidential candidate John Kerry to their collective heart after last month's Democrat Convention, the Kerry Campaign did what any unrequited lover would do: Turn Howard Dean loose to spread conspiracy theories on the morning news.
"Now, I'm not privy to all the fancy intelligence that went into these Homeland Security alerts," Dean told Cutsie Pert, host of the Touchy Feely Network's
Right Now Show, "but I just find it suspicious that you never see Bush and bin Laden together. "
"Governor," pressed Cutsie, "Are you suggesting that the President and Osama bin Laden are one and the same?"
"I'm not saying that, Cutsie," Said Mr. Dean. "I'm also not
not saying that. What I am saying is this: it would explain why we haven't been able to catch him. Plus, thanks to the exacting detective work of Michael Moore, we now know that Bush is evil and lies all the time -- just like bin Laden.
"Can you think of any reason why people wouldn't embrace Kerry with wild abandon, other than that he's been on both sides of every issue and is about as boring as a potato? I know I can't. To me it's just very suspicious that bin Laden began attacking America right around the time Bush was about to get ready to prepare to start thinking of maybe running for President, and up to the present day when Bush is still President. That can't be coincidence!"
Kerry Adopts a More Positive Tone
(Editorial Cartoon)As was announced far and wide during the Democrat Convention, Senator Kerry has decided to cut back on Bush-bashing and emphasize more his own presidential qualities. Here's how it's working so far:
Copyright © 2001-2004 by Doctor Diatribe. All rights reserved.
Confused and broken-hearted that the american people did not take cuddly presidential candidate John Kerry to their collective heart after last month's Democrat Convention, the Kerry Campaign did what any unrequited lover would do: Turn Howard Dean loose to spread conspiracy theories on the morning news.