9-11 Commission Says "Tom·a·to;" Cheney Insists Evidence Exists For "Tom·ä·to"
The 9/11 Commission has concluded that, although evidence exists for the pronuncication "tom·ä·to," there is no proof it should ever be enunciated any way other than, "tom·ay·to."

However Vice-President Cheney and other administration officials took issue with this view, insisting that substantial evidence exists to support "tom·ä·to."

"We believe the evidence for 'tom·ä·to' is clear and compelling," the Vice-President commented on Faze the Press. "It's substantiated, big time!"

But in Hollywood, film maker Michael Moore, recently awarded the coveted Golden Snail at Cannes for his new movie Fantasia , said this proves Bush lied about tomatoes.

Bob Egregious, Executive Sub-Director of Kneejerk Polemics for the MoveOn.org/Kerry Campaign, agreed with Moore.

"The fact that Bush disagrees with the Commission's pronunciation of "tomato" proves that he's a lying liar who lies all the time and can't stop lying. Oh, the many lies he's told! What ever will he lie about next?" Egregious exclaimed.

Unnamed sources said President Bush would like to "call the whole thing off."
  ¶ Dr. Diatribe > 8:41 AM   (Email this rant to a friend)

  Nation's Capital Deluged by Democratic Attempt to Mourn Reagan
Forecasters are predicting that the Potomac River will crest sometime tomorrow morning after being inundated all week by crocodile tears from Democrats lamenting Ronald Reagan. The vast outpouring of ersatz mourning was unprecedented in modern history, causing the much smaller burst of faux grief that surrounded the deaths of Richard Nixon and Lyndon Johnson to pale by comparison.

Leading Democrats generally agreed that Reagan's greatest accomplishment as President was that he'd sometimes have a beer with Tip O'Neil after 5 pm.

"Er, ah, yes," recalled Senator Ted Kennedy (D-MA). "After a long, hard day of starving the poor, Reagan loved to hoist a few with Tip and swap Irish jokes. He was, er, ah remarkable man in that respect. How I'll miss him."

With torrents of worked up lachrymal fluid gushing into nearby Pensylvania Avenue from her normally dessicated eyes, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) added that Reagan was also rumored to be kind to the White House squirrels. "I think he'll be remembered for that -- and the carousing with Tip O'Neil," she said.
  ¶ Dr. Diatribe > 11:46 PM   (Email this rant to a friend)

  Mr. Reagan's Passing


"I do not believe in a fate that will fall on us no matter what we do. I do believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do nothing!"
-- Ronald Reagan, First Inaugural Address, January 20, 1981

"People ask how I feel about leaving. And the fact is, 'parting is such sweet sorrow...' And so, goodbye, God bless you, and God bless the United States of America."
-- Ronald Reagan, Farewell Address, January 11, 1989

Condolences can be offered to Mrs. Reagan here.

  ¶ Dr. Diatribe > 4:24 PM   (Email this rant to a friend)

  Sarin-dipity


How come they can find it, and we can't?
  ¶ Dr. Diatribe > 8:26 AM   (Email this rant to a friend)