Dr. Diatribe
"Administering the enema of TRUTH to a constipated world!"
Honor
Doctor Diatribe pauses a moment this Memorial Day to honor all the men and women that have sacrificed themselves for the freedom of this country... and all risking the possibility of that sacrifice now.
No humor today; just undying respect.
President Rallys Country With 1st-Year Speech Technique; Critics Critical
Attempting to rally support for his embattled Iraqi policy, President Bush last night told the American people what he was going to tell them. He then told them, and followed that up by telling them what he told them. Completing his oratorical
tour de force, the President then sat down.
Pundits and opinion-makers offered mixed reactions. ABC's Peter Jennings raised an eyebrow knowingly. Conservative talk radio host Michael Savage gagged on his own spittle for almost 10 minutes, while liberal talk radio host Al Franken spluttered disdainfully.
Meanwhile, political scientists say that it was extremely risky for the President to include numbers in his speech. "The American people don't like numbers," said Ingrid M. Fatuous, Professor of Pontification and Polemics at the College of William and Henry. "Numbers remind them of school. The American people want pizzazz, badda-bing, and chutzpah!"
Others disagreed. "The President's five steps for restoring Iraq will give the nation a comforting step-by-step plan that they can write on the five fingers of one hand," asserted Senator H. J. Drunkensott, Chairman of the Senate Drinking Committee. "I'm writing them on mine right now."
Strangely, polls taken immediately afterwards show that members of MoveOn and 80% of the press heard five different points.
"As we've known all along, Bush's five steps are: 1. Exploit the Iraqi people, 2. Set up a puppet government, 3. Freeze out the International Community, 4. Lie constantly, and 5. Siphon off all the oil for Halliburton," insisted MoveOn Assistant Screed Coordinator, Buffy Shrill. "If only we'd listened to Michael Moore when he went off at the Oscars!"
Kerry Derides Bush Bike-Riding Ability
Mountain-biking through the wilds of his Texas ranch this weekend, President Bush took a bad spill when he encountered a patch of mud, receiving scrapes and contusions to his face and knees. Informed of the accident, Democratic challenger John Kerry responded, "What? Did his training wheels fall off?!" He then went on to..
Oh wait. This one actually happened. Dagnabit! Coming up with outlandish satire is getting harder and harder all the time!
New Michael Moore Film Reveals Bush/Saudi Ties, Cannibalism
(WARNING TO OUR ARAB MILITANT READERS: This article may contain satire, a literary genre unfamiliar to most extremists. Please refrain from sending it to Al-Jazeera as if it were true.) Fahrenheit 9/11, the new expose' by wealthy filmmaker-for-the-common-man Michael Moore (shown here discussing his work at the Cannes Film Festival), was greeted with unprecedented adulation at it's premier this week. In it, Moore rips the lid off the fetid depths of depravity writhing malevolently in the bowels of that focal point of all world evils -- the Bush Administration.
Among the startling revelations suppressed by the world press but courageously brought to light by Mr. Moore, is the true reason for the Iraq War: Bush and Cheney's insatiable need to feast on the flesh of Iraqi children.
For the first time, Moore exposes the undeniable link between Bush and the Prince of Darkness first forged in the dank depths of Yale's Skull & Bones Society. Like President William Howard Taft before him, Bush must devour young children in the pale moonlight to renew his lifeforce. Vice-President Cheney and other members of the administration as well as several Halliburton executives are also said to participate in this bizarre ritual.
Moore also reveals that Bush roomed for a time with Osama bin Laden during their college days.
Fahrenheit 9/11 presents compelling evidence that the carnage of September 11, 2001 was actually payback for a school prank in which Bush hid bin Laden's underwear in the dormitory freezer.
Audiences at Cannes sat in rapt silence as Moore related the many hazards he faced in bringing this story to the public. Particularly chilling was his account of the night Michael Eisner ordered the animatronic Presidents from Disney World to attack him in a dark Orlando alley.
"Reagan and Nixon almost tore me limb from limb," the breathless filmmaker wheezed, "but at the last minute, the Jimmy Carter android resisted the will his capitalistic master and came to my rescue."
Peering about the room, Moore confided that he feared possible further assaults by the denizens of Euro-Disneyland.
Abu Ghraib Vixen To Do Hustler Spread
Lynndie England, the army private who claims she was ordered to sexually humiliate Iraqi terrorists at the Abu Ghraib prison, says she will soon be ordered to pose for a photo layout in
Hustler.
"I'm just a simple country girl who loves little animals, so I don't really want to model still yet more nudie pics for money," she told reporters, "but I must do my part in the War on Terror."
Asked who issued the order, Ms. England would only say they were "persons in my chain of command."
England noted ruefully that she had wanted to demonstrate her humiliation and
orgy skills for Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld during his whirlwind visit yesterday, "but, it just didn't work out."
The perky private said she also hopes to receive orders to sign a lucrative book deal [tentative title:
Mommy, Who Did You Do In The War?], and to sell the movie rights to the highest bidder.
Rumsfeld Undergoes Several Hours of Torture
In an astonishing display of proactive geopolitical expiation, Secretary of Defense Don Rumsfeld paid an unannounced visit to Iraq's infamous Abu Ghraib prison, and was sexually humiliated for several hours today. Witnesses said a naked Rumsfeld was forced to pile on top of several other nude Pentagon officials as grinning yokels stood over them triumphantly.
Later, the penitent Defense Secretary allowed himself to be handcuffed to iron cell bars with underwear on his head.
Asked by reporters for his comments during the return flight to Washington, Rumsfeld observed, "It's not all that different from what we do at Bohemian Grove."
'Friends' Bid Cheery Farewell To Fans
An audience estimated at over 51 million was disappointed last night when the much-anticipated final episode of 'Friends' merely showed the cast counting their vast millions for two hours at Monica's apartment.
True to her ditzy persona, Phoebe lost count several times and had to start over. Joey however grinned sheepishly and kept his head down through most of the episode, hoping not to alienate lower middle class viewers before his own cloying series (the creatively named "Joey") starts in the fall.
In one of the few moments of true drama, Chandler thought for a minute he was missing a bundle of $50's. But the wayward cash was soon found hidden under several other bundles of $50's.
The series' normally snappy dialogue was reduced to monosyllabic grunts and mumbled dollar amounts as characters counted under their breath, occasionally pausing to gloat wittily about their ten years of milking NBC's coffers.
Finally, after hugs and a last, wistful sidelong glance at the camera, the six beloved, self-absorbed stars stuffed their fabulous riches into several large leather satchels and had them carted off to their waiting stretch limos by $7-dollar-an-hour lackeys.
Spidey Strikes Out
Baseball officials came to thier senses today, announcing that ads for the new Spider-Man movie will not festoon bases at fields across america this summer as had been planned. They have also quietly dropped plans to dye infields blue and outfields red in imitation of Spidey's trademark colors. And Umpires will not be required to dress up as the Green Goblin.
"We were only trying to appeal to younger fans," whimpered one disillusioned club owner. Asked why they didn't try appealing to younger fans by lowering ticket prices, he could only stare blankly at the sky.
Meanwhile, Spider-Man (shown here at a conference with Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig) expressed satisfaction at the decision, and suggested the whole thing was just a smear campaign mounted by
Daily Bugle publisher J. Jonah Jameson.
Soldiers Tell Investigators Abu Ghraib Just "Cheerleading Gone Awry"
US soldiers implicated in the Abu Ghraib prison atrocities in Iraq have reportedly told investigators that they were merely conducting "cheerleading practice."
"Yeah, that's it," one Military Police officer is quoted as saying. "This is all a big misunderstanding. Rather than stacking naked prisoners like cordwood as a form of sexual humiliation, we were just teaching them to make a 'Pyramid!'"
Asked why all the photos show jumbled naked bodies on hard concrete floors, the accused MP could only mumble something about how the spotters "just wouldn't pay attention" and the base was weak.
Meanwhile, asked to comment on the scandal soldiers in other parts of Iraq merely gaze forlornly at all their now-forgotten work on schools, water plants, electrical power stations, repaired roads, renovated sewage systems, freely published newspapers, impending democratic elections, improved medical supplies, uninhibited speech, and children running happily in the street -- and sigh.
Bin Laden Testifies Before 9/11 Commission: "All Bush's Fault," He Says
Appearing before the 9/11 Commission, surprise witness Osama bin Laden testified today that the 2001 attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon were "All Bush's fault."
Wearing a snappy business suit and deviously stroking his scraggly beard, bin Laden appeared contrite as he apologized to families of the 9/11 victims in a prepared statement.
"I offer my sincerest apologies to the families of the infidels that died that day," bin Laden intoned, his voice cracking with emotion. "If Bush were not President, none of this ever would have happened."
Responding to questions from former Senator Bob Kerrey, the lice-infested terrorist provided a timeline of events leading up to the 9/11 attacks.
"We began planning soon after the Blind Sheikh's failed attempt to tumble your perverse, ungodly temples of greed" bin Laden explained cheerily. However his gnarled features darkened as he continued, "...but we lived in constant fear that your President Clinton would finally find some compelling legal reason to arrest us!"
Pressed on this issue, bin Laden told commissioners, "We al-Qaeda leaders could barely sleep at night knowing that Clinton and his staff of satanic unbelievers were constantly combing your unholy law books for some statute to use against us. If they found one, we could be tied up in court for months. Our fundamentalist Islamic Jihad would grind to a standstill. Why, the legal fees alone could bankrupt us!
"It was only by the blessing of Allah that they had not found a legal precedent when all those countries offered to hand me over!"
Under intense cross examination by commission member and democrat shill Richard bin Veniste, bin Laden offered his thoughts on the Bush administration:
"Prior to September 11th, Bush paid absolutely no attention whatsoever to the looming danger we posed," the scabby terrorist asserted. "On the other hand, he knew the attacks were coming but did nothing to stop them.
"If only Gore had been able to steal the election from Bush instead of the other way around, how different everything would be!" he concluded.
And then, transforming himself into a large, mangy bat, he briskly flew out the window as bewildered staffers looked on.
The Return of Doctor Diatribe!
"Administering the Enema of TRUTH to a constipated world!"
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