Jesse Jackson Stricken With Poeticulitus
Speaking at the NAACP Convention in Houston, Texas, the Rev. Jesse Jackson was seized with an attack of what doctors said was the rare disease Poeticulitus.

Before an enthusiastic crowd, Jackson had just launched a blistering attack on the focus of all worldly evils, the Bush Administration.

"This man is not our President/ He should not be the White House resident!" he intoned to loud laughter and applause.

"In two thousand and four/ we will show him the door." Jackson continued amid cheers and 'amens.' "And he won't be back/ 'cause we won't stand for another hijack!"

However, enthusiasm began to wane among delegates as Jackson continued to bombard them for the next hour with an unending stream of sing-song doggerel, each stanza more painful to hear than the last.

Members of the audience squirmed uneasily in their seats, as Jackson proclaimed, "We know Bush'll try to win,/ but he'd better take his niacin,/ 'cause we'll fight him through thick and thin/ and make him disappear like Rumpelstiltskin!"

After an hour and forty minutes of non-stop rhyming, observers sensed that the Reverend Jackson's speaking style was a little more monotonous than usual.

Unable to wind up his speech, Jackson began to tire and loose focus. Paramedics were finally called to the scene when his oratory degenerated into random observations about NAACP leaders ("Kweisi Mfume/ he's lookin' kinda' gloomy./ If he can't find more money/ our outlook ain't too sunny!").

Doctors later said the Reverend Jackson's brain had gone into a continuous rhyming loop due to "fatuous rhetoric overload," a condition known as Poeticulitus. Jackson is expected to recover his ability to utilize prose after undergoing therapy in which he is forced to read the entire US tax code out loud
  ¶ Dr. Diatribe > 4:46 PM   (Email this rant to a friend)

  God Holds Wrath In Check After Pledge Decision
In his first comments since last week's decision striking "under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance, God said today that he would continue to "bless America" and "guide her though the night with a light from above."

God's Press Spokesperson, Mr. A.A. Gabriel, also announced the Deity has no plans to stop "shedding his grace on thee."

"The ruling by the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals notwithstanding, the Lord will still crown thy good -- when he finds it -- with brotherhood from sea to shining sea," Gabriel said.

Sources close to God tell Dr. Diatribe that the Supreme Being has no plans to discontinue his longstanding policy of endowing men with certain unalienable rights.

God will also go on "saving this honorable [Supreme] Court," listening to the Senate Chaplain's daily opening prayer, and helping the President preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States.

"After millennia of dealing with humanity, God has quite a sense of humor about these things," Gabriel observed. "He wants all Americans to know they can still trust in him."

However, in common with millions of mortals, the Almighty is rumored to be "really annoyed" with ubiquitous cloying, self-promoting TV appearances by Michael Newdow, the musical atheist whose lawsuit resulted in the ruling. In particular, Newdow's singing a ballad during one interview was described as "a stench unto heaven."

"I hope his 15 minutes of fame are over," an unnamed source told me. "We'd hate for CNN to be visited with a plague or something."   ¶ Dr. Diatribe > 2:09 PM   (Email this rant to a friend)