Dr. Diatribe
"Administering the enema of TRUTH to a constipated world!"
Arafat to Retire, Seek Self-Actualization
Palestinian Chief Yasser Arafat announced today that, as President Bush has suggested, he would retire after all.
Asked why he had so unexpectedly reversed his previous decision, Arafat explained, "Well, I just realized that I've been to paradise, but I've never been to me!"
Resistance to Government Reorganization Said to be 'Futile'
Stung by reports of a lack of cooperation between the FBI, CIA, INS and other agencies, the Bush administration has announced that the entire federal
bureaucracy will be combined to form the new, enormous Bureau of Omniscient Repressive Government.
According to the bipartisan plan, every living soul in the United States will be forcibly hired by the BORG. All 285 million employees will then be subject to regular, unannounced body searches, polygraphing, urine analysis, e-mail monitoring, and sigmoidoscopy.
The BORG will reportedly be headed by current Director of Homeland Defense Tom Ridge, who will henceforth be known as "Executus."
Al-Qaeda Head Bottled Up In Pakistan
Government intelligence sources have learned that Osama bin Laden's head was severed from his enfeebled, mangy, desiccated body by al-Qaeda doctors in late January and preserved in a large bell jar. Immersed in a mysterious, life-sustaining fluid said to be distilled from the spit of Afghan virgins (always in plentiful supply), the head continues to direct al-Qaeda operations worldwide.
Though it can no longer speak, bin Laden's head reportedly signals its approval of terrorist plans by contorting its mouth into a gleeful, malevolent sneer. Schemes not evil enough to satisfy the head receive a baleful scowl.
The bottled head was smuggled out of Afghanistan's Tora Bora region early this year travelling incognito in a burlap sack. Since then its movements have been kept under wraps.
Intelligence services received reports in early May that the al-Qaeda head was holding court from the produce shelf of a dingy family-owned market in chaotic western Pakistan. A covert raid was mounted, but the decapitated terrorist had headed out only a few hours earlier. However they did find a twelve-year-old jar of Libby's pickled cauliflower being used as bin Laden's double. The vegetables are currently being analyzed by a team from the USDA.
The CIA has also gained possession of a 15 minute videotape of bin Laden's
>head soundlessly mouthing the words to militant Islamic songs and glowering at photos of President Bush. The tape is extremely popular in Saudi Arabia.
Despite the jar-bound terrorist head's slippery elusiveness, allied forces have vowed to capture it at all costs. "Allied forces have been given a heads up on this," commented Major General Don Quixotic, Pentagon Chief of Looking for Small, Grotesque Objects. "No matter where it's headed, we will continue to tail the head until we discover its headquarters, and are able to head it off.
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