Presidential Hopefuls Reveal Psychic Powers
Declaring that his failure to predict last year's terrorist attacks proves President Bush is "not psychic enough," 2004 presidential hopefuls touted their occult powers on weekend news shows.

"My psychical abilities are highly developed," former Vice-President Al Gore declared on the program Feed The Press. "In fact, I invented the Magic 8-Ball."

Animated with surging populist fervor Mr. Gore went on, "I don't care what anyone says, Bill Clinton and I did a *!@#&% good job of using the supernatural when we were in the White House! We turned to voodoo and necromancy far more than this administration has. You never hear about Laura Bush holding a seance to contact Eleanor Roosevelt — or even Mamie Eisenhower!"

Meanwhile, Senator John Kerry (D-MA) told Fake The Nation that, although he is so wondrously smart that he can see the future clearly with no help from the occult, he would give Miss Cleo a position in his Cabinet.

Later on the same program, Senator Joseph Lieberman (D-CT) insisted that if he were President he would run all intelligence assessments past "the mystic Kabbala."

Senator John McCain (R-AZ), appearing on What Just Happened?! with Smug Blunderbutz and Pepsi Rogers firmly stated that, "I have absolutely no intention whatsoever in any way, shape, or form of running against my beloved Commander-In-Chief in 2004! But since you brought it up, I could've foreseen 9/11 months in advance thanks to the ancient oriental arts of divination I learned in Viet-Nam."

At the White House, aides to Mr. Bush said privately that the President does indeed posses psychic powers of his own, but doesn't discuss them publicly for fear of offending the Religious Right.

"He has an uncanny knack for beating the point spread in the White House football pool," commented one anonymous official. "And the President always seems to know when Barney and Spot want dinner. It's spooky!"
  ¶ Dr. Diatribe > 8:13 AM   (Email this rant to a friend)

  Pious Ex-President Blesses Cuba
Saintly ex-President Jimmy Carter made a pilgrimage this week to heal Fidel Castro of his geopolitical leprosy.

Disembarking from his official plane The Snow-White Dove, Carter prostrated himself and kissed the Havana tarmac, as he does on all his visits to bloodthirsty communist fiefdoms.

"If you are willing, you can make me clean!" the scraggly Castro exclaimed, his eyes moist with the emotion of the moment.

"I am willing," Mr. Carter replied, "but the current simpleminded, reactionary administration in Washington is not.

"O Washington, Washington! How often I have wanted to gather you to myself as a bureaucrat gathers his paperwork! But you wouldn't listen to me as I carped at you from the sidelines."

"Then, how can I be saved?" asked the bemused dictator.

"There are some things a Republican President cannot do," the former President replied gently, "but the Democrats will do anything! Hang on three more years.
  ¶ Dr. Diatribe > 3:05 PM   (Email this rant to a friend)