Devil 'Quite Pleased' With Yates Verdict
Houston (March 15) — Satan the Devil proclaimed himself "quite pleased" with today's guilty verdict in the Andrea Yates multiple child murder case.

"Yes, I'd say we got pretty much everything we wanted," a relaxed Prince of Darkness commented as he sipped a bottle of Perrier at his desk in the center of Hell. "I mean, everyone's miserable, aren't they?"

"We positioned ourselves just right on this one!" declared Beelzebub with evident satisfaction. "We do simple mayhem all the time, and of course the completely delusional psycho isn't all that rare either. But this time, we were able to finesse it perfectly: Our client knew she was doing wrong but believed she had to do it anyway!"

"We parlayed that little ambiguity into a nightmarish gordian knot of a case with no truly just verdict possible. So we managed to pit mental health advocates against the justice system, women's groups against male domination, "enlightened" people against our, umm, Main Competitor, and everyone against Rusty Yates! Why, the public virtually lost sight of the actual crime!"

"Of course, my name came up quite frequently during the trial. Naturally I was flattered, although it seems the more I do, the less people believe in me. Catch - 22, I suppose."

"And setting the whole thing in Texas was pure genius," crowed the Father of Abominations. "Now the United States looks like a nation of Neanderthals to the rest of the world — not that they aren't."

"Our organization invested years of planning in this project and it really paid off," the Devil concluded. "I really have to congratulate the demons in Houston!"

"And now if you'll excuse me, between al-Qaeda and these pedophile priests, I am rather busy. Asmodaeus here will show you to the door."
  ¶ Dr. Diatribe > 8:36 AM   (Email this rant to a friend)