Dr. Diatribe
"Administering the enema of TRUTH to a constipated world!"
Morally Ambiguous Research Gets Warm, Fuzzy Face
College Station, TX (February 19) — Scientists last week succeeded in putting an irresistibly cute face on the ethically murky practice of cloning by producing the world's first cloned kitten.
The wide-eyed ball of cuddly fur was manufactured by a crack team of giggly, seven-year-old girls who labored for months during their Tuesday evening Brownie meetings.
"Isn't it adorable?!" squealed Missy McBride of Brownie Troop 24601, which meets in the state-of-the-art genetics lab at Texas A & M. "Oh I could just hug him to death! It only took us 27 tries to get one that worked right, you know."
Flailing its legs vainly, the bewildered feline was placed in beakers and petrie dishes by the excited girl geneticists, much to the delight of a hoard of journalists.
"We named him 'Copycat!'" chirped button-nosed little Courtney Bergstrom as the press emitted a collective "Awwwwww!"
"My Barbie computer said that would be the cutest name ever!"
The girl's Brownie and project leader, Ms. Genome Protocol, Ph.D., smiled approvingly from the corner as the kitten mewed pitifully.
"Now that the American public can see how warm and fuzzy genetic engineering really is," Dr. Protocol observed, "let's hope we can finally get on with cloning humans and harvesting their organs for profit."
Pentagon Targets Tall Afghans
Reports that an unmanned CIA Predator drone may have blown up a tall-but-innocent Afghan villager last week instead of Osama bin Laden have led to revelations of a classified US plan to target tall Afghan males.
"The completely independent Afghan Interim Government fully understands our need to plow through innocent villagers as we look for bin Laden," CIA Liaison for Obnoxious Operations Agent Johnny Smooth told Dr. Diatribe. "We try not to hit anyone else."
Major General Buford "Bullethead" Bryant, Pentagon Chief of Prevarication, was more blunt in his assessment: "Our motto is, "If they're over 5' 11'', they're goin' to heaven!"
However, the latest intelligence indicates this may be too little, too late. Sources say bin Laden has had several vertebrae removed to reduce his stature and is dressing as a homely Afghan woman.
Bush Wins Men's Luge
In a stunning upset, President George W. Bush won the silver medal in the Men's Olympic 1000-Meter Luge competion. Bush, reputedly the most physically fit President since Theodore Roosevelt, told NBC commentator Bob Costas he entered the Luge to "show the world we won't take terrorism lying down."
Surprised athletes from Europe immediately accused the President of pursuing a "simplistic, go-it-alone strategy" at the Olympics. However, the State Department's Puzzling Affairs spokeswoman Pricilla Icechucker insisted President Bush consulted allies and team members before taking his seat on the tiny little sled-like thing.
"I'm very proud to have won a silver medal," Bush commented, "but I'm putting the nations of the world on notice: We will not accept second place in the War Against Terror!"
The President is reportedly planning to enter the Javelin Throw at the next Summer Olympics to "show that we are going to stick it to Saddam Hussein."
Meanwhile, Former-President Clinton, reputedly the most physically fit ex-President since William Howard Taft, has been sighted hanging around the Olympic Village women's quarters asking about skater Michelle Kwan.
Dell Computer's Annoying "Steven" to Become Political Gadfly
Buoyed by his alleged success at increasing Dell Computer sales, annoying corporate spokesperson "Steven" is branching out. In addition to his regular duties accosting perfect strangers and telling them they "shoulda' bought a Dell," the irritating teen will now tell public figures how to live their lives as well.
"You know, there's like scads of dudes around who just don't know what they shoulda' done," sniveled the obnoxious blonde in his trademark nasal stoner whine. "I just want to make a difference."
During a whirlwind tour of the nation's capitol last week, Steven met with Vice-President Cheney, telling him, "Dude, you shoulda' released the records of all yer' Enron contacts while people still trusted you."
Cheney reportedly responded, "Dude, you'd better get out of my office before I bust your whiney butt big time!"
Then it was off to a conference with Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle and Minority Leader Trent Lott.
"Senator Dudes," commented Steven, "you shoulda' compromised a little and passed an Economic Security Package before Thanksgiving. Thanks to your egregious behavior, the recession'll prob'ly last six months longer than it had to. Y'know?"
As he was brusquely hustled out of the Capitol by burly guards, Steven happened to pass Senator Clinton (D-NY) in the hall.
"Dudette!" he yelled earnestly. "You shoulda' worn something that'd cover your stumpy legs better!"
Later that afternoon, after giving Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld some advice on the conduct of the war, Steven found himself on a sudden trip to a cage at Guantanamo Bay.
American Taliban' Arraigned on Capital Stupidity Charges
John Walker-Lindh, the clueless, coddled California youth who joined al-Qaeda to find spiritual enlightenment, was charged with Capital Stupidity in Federal Court yesterday.
"We seriously considered seeking the death penalty against him just to remove one more idiot from the gene pool," I. Ron Butterfly, Justice Department Criminal Stupidity Division prosecutor, told me. "I mean, can you imagine what his kids would be like? But frankly, he's too pathetic to execute."
The so-called "American Taliban" appeared before Judge W. Curtis Sewell in an orange prison jumpsuit, shorn of his long greasy hair, a yellow dunce cap perched atop his sloping head.
"How do you plead?" Judge Sewell asked.
Courtroom spectators were barely able to restrain their vomiting reflexes as Walker-Lindh whined a high-pitched "not guilty."
The gagging Judge unexpectedly adjourned the court until further notice. Walker-Lindh was hustled off to high security cell, said to be patrolled by prison guards equipped with Dramamine™ patches.
If found guilty, Walker-Lindh could face five to ten years of remedial spanking.
Ken Lay Exposed as Rapacious Reptile Alien
Ken Lay, former CEO of scandal-plagued energy giant Enron, revealed today that he is actually a greedy reptilian life form from the planet Rigel 4. Most members of the Enron Board of Directors are from the same alien race, said Lay.
The startling yet somehow unsurprising revelation came as Lay and other Board members began a press conference in the Petroleum Jelly Room at Enron headquarters. When reporters peppered Lay with questions, he and his fellow Directors hissed angrily, then tore off their rubber face masks revealing their true, lizard-like faces.
"You people make me ssssssick!" intoned Lay (whose Rigelian name is "Greedo") in a sibilate rasp. "We made our money the same way all your earthling corporations do: exploiting our workersssss, cooking our booksssss, sssslathering your politicians with cash. And you all enjoyed riding the gravy train while it lassssted. Now you come after us when it turns sour? You self-righteous bunch of hypocritessss! We ought to devour you all!!"
Lay/Greedo declared the Rigelians are only one of several intergalactic races that have come to Earth attracted by our extreme selfishness and the rapaciousness of our global economy.
"You fools! The squid people of Zeta Reticuli are running your American Federation of State, County, and Municipal Employees. ATT is controlled by the gelatinous beings of the Alcyone sssystem. And their ssssoft money contributions make us look like pikerssss!"
With that, the reptilian businessmen turned and muscled their way out of the room, spitting venom and biting several reporters on the arms as they went.
Houston residents were stunned moments later as a gigantic E-shaped interstellar craft lifted off the Enron building's roof carrying Lay and his crew back to their home planet. The ship was reportedly filled with shredded documents and hundreds of millions of dollars.
Left behind was a note to The Senate Commerce Committee on official Enron stationary that read, "Subpoena this!"
Copyright © 2001-2004 by Doctor Diatribe. All rights reserved.
