Doctor Diatribe's Top Five Stories of 2001
(Originally published January 1, 2002)

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Alright, it was just the worst of times! Great Caesar's Ghost, what a blasted awful year this was! We all know what the main story of the year was so let's put that in a category by itself and move on to other things.

There was other important news in 2001. Unfortunately, none of it involved black monoliths on the moon or renegade computers (if only!).

1. Credulous Arabs

Evil aliens from the planet Al-Zabadi apparently snuck into the bedrooms of millions of people across the Arab world in September and stole their brains. As a result, the average man in the street lost all capacity for rational thought.

Symptoms ranged from frothing, credulous acceptance of any inane conspiracy theory
involving the term "Zionists" to mindless support of a deranged, megalomaniacal little spoiled rich boy skulking in the deserts of Afghanistan.

Paradoxically enough, much of Afghanistan itself remained untouched by the aliens. It is hoped that the brains will be returned soon

2. Putin-Bush Garage BandRussian President Putin and US President Bush startled the world in November by forming the first Superpower garage band. Both self-confessed "metalheads," the two world leaders formed the band - which they call "Push" - while jamming in Bush's toolshed.

They are seen here performing for a group of Crawford, TX high school students





3. "Ginger" Invented

After more than a year of unprecedented hype by some of the world's leading entrepreneurs and pundits, inventor Dean Kamen vastly exceeded all expectations by unveiling the most earth-shattering, epoch-making scooter the world has ever known. The ramifications of the scooter were truly mindboggling, staggering thinkers and humanitarians with the utopian vista that now lay wide open before them.

"This scooter makes all religion obsolete," declared Pope John Paul II and the Dali Lama in a giddy joint declaration just before abdicating to start a scooter-oriented Garage Band, the "Holy Rollers."

"It truly answers humankind's deepest spiritual needs," the Chief Rabbi of Jerusalem agreed

All throughout this battered old world, men and women of all nationalities joined hands and with tear-stained eyes upraised to heaven, sang hymns of gladhearted praise to the fabulous scooter. And then they went home and hugged their children

4. Arafat's Social Faux Pas

At the UN-sponsored International Conference on Mutually Offensive Polemics in September, well-known international bon vivant Yasser Arafat put on quite a display! A gourmand of delicate taste, the Palestinian Chief partook of the social whirl a bit too enthusiastically according to South African socialite Daisy Frothingham III. "The canapés were exquisite that night," reports Daisy with catty charm, "and I'm afraid our dear Chairman Arafat had more than his share, washing them down with liquors from every region of the world in a show of goodwill."

Arafat dazzled his fellow delegates with a well-rendered performance of "I'm a
Little Tea Cup" delivered from a tabletop. But his cheerful exhibition was dampened somewhat when he collapsed on a corner divan, mumbling that his uniform pants were too tight. He then indelicately emptied the contents of his stomach into his burnoose

Palestinian authorities later blamed the performance on "Zionists."

5. Mighty Morphing President

In a burst of light and a cloud of smoke, US President George W. Bush was instantaneously transformed September 11th from a blundering, empty-headed dolt into a competent, inspiring leader. Newspaper publishers and network executives agreed that "a mighty display of sorcery" was the only possible explanation for the President's amazing metamorphosis.


"If you're suggesting our reporting was slanted before the 11th because we're all still in love with Clinton and wish he could've been made king somehow, "declared Touchy-Feely Network (TFN) President Max Sensation, "you're totally wrong! Wrong, wrong, wrong! As journalists, we are utterly impartial and have no personal opinions or bias in any way. Bush was obviously struck by an enchanted bolt of lightning or something!"

"I swear, he was a pinheaded imbecile all his life right up to the attacks!" insisted Carl Phlegmcaster, Washington correspondent for the Los Angeles Post-Regurgitator. "It's gotta be some kind of spell

And so it goes... Have a good 2002!
  ¶ Dr. Diatribe > 12:00 AM   (Email this rant to a friend)