Dr. Diatribe
"Administering the enema of TRUTH to a constipated world!"
Where's Doc?
When he's not in a satirical mood, you'll usually find him ranting about something on our slightly more serious brother-website,
www.theGnomon.com. Don't worry: he'll be back to make fun of things momentarily...
~~ The Propaganda Department
Going to the Candidate's Debate...
(Cartoon) Before an audience of hurricane refugees, President George Bush and Senator John Kerry argued for two hours Thursday about who would be a stronger President. When no clear winner emerged, the two candidates tested each other's prowess in arm wrestling contests, beer swilling competitions, and a terrorist punching rodeo.
Toilet Paper Theme Dominates Convention's Final Night
President George W. Bush told a cheering, adoring throng of Republican Convention-goers tonight that re-electing him will be like buying four years-worth of "John Wayne brand toilet paper."
"What
IS John Wayne brand toilet paper?" cried the mass of delegates in unison.
"Well," replied the President, "It's rough, it's tough, and it don't take no #*&@!! off of nobody!!"
The crowd erupted into 20 minutes of relentless hoots and cheering as the President waved and smiled broadly. Later on, USA Today guest-columnist-at-Large and fictional documentary producer Michael Moore was hunted down and hung from the rafters in celebration.
At a midnight rally designed to blunt GOP momentum coming out of the Convention, Senator John Kerry promised to provide "a more sensitive, nuanced brand of bathroom tissue."
Profile In Courage (Note: Not Funny)
Sorry, no satire here. Democrat Senator Zell Miller gave a
Profiles in Courage speech at the Republican Convention tonight, calling his own party back in clear tones from the hysteria that grips it. This ranks as one of the milestone speeches in modern american history, in my opinion.
These two paragraphs sum up the hysterical, cultish atmosphere gripping the Democrat Party today:
"Now, while young Americans are dying in the sands of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan, our nation is being torn apart and made weaker because of the Democrats' manic obsession to bring down our commander in chief. What has happened to the party I've spent my life working in?
"Time after time in our history, in the face of great danger, Democrats and Republicans worked together to ensure that freedom would not falter. But not today. Motivated more by partisan politics than by national security, today's Democratic leaders see America as an occupier, not a liberator."
-- Senator Zell Miller
Protesters Swarm Manhattan, Make Eating Difficult
(We post here the first of a weeklong spate of dispatches by the good Doctor from New York City, host of the Republican Convention)After circling JFK for several hours in the Diatribe AutoGyro, and then that cab ride, I really had my heart set on a nice knish -- you know, the kind you can only get in New York. That's half the reason I came to this convention in the first place! The Democrats had lousy food.
So after a cold shower in my palatial suite I step outside the Hotel Knickerbocker anticipating a nice, relaxing walk to Wally's Knish Emporium, when along comes Michael Moore and Danny Glover followed by an angry heaving morass of variegated humanity! They marched at a stately pace, pausing only occasionally to administer oxygen to the wheezing Moore or smash
Tom Paladino's bullhorn.
Struggling through the current, I was accosted by a woman named Blossom, waving a Palestinian flag and bearing a more than passing resemblance to Yasser Arafat.
"What are you protesting?" she yelled at me, between anti-Bush chants.
"Hunger," I yelled back.
Finally, 900 symbolic coffins were hauled by, and I was able to cross the street by jumping from box to box. From which I learned that occasionally, vaporific symbolism can have substance after all.
Copyright © 2001-2004 by Doctor Diatribe. All rights reserved.
